Etiquette for People Facing the Loss of a Valued Animal

By Bonnie S. Mader

The Pet Loss Support Hotline and the Program for Veterinary Family Practice University of California, Davis, School of Veterinary Medicine 800-565-1526

Do…

• . Give support
• . Provide the opportunity to talk about feelings and concerns before, during and after a loss.
• . Ask people to share memories of the animal (or any loved one).
• . Reminisce about fond memories of the animal anytime.
• . Use the animal’s name, even after the animal has died.
• . Provide a hug, a squeeze of the hand, or touch on the shoulder whatever you feel comfortable doing. With some people you don’t know well, you may need to ask permission first: “Would it be OK if I gave you a hug?”
• . Listen more than talk.
• . Know that depression and anger are normal emotions and expressions of grief, just as are unusual behaviors. Be accepting and patient; do not take a grieving person’s negative attitudes or behaviors personally give them a lot of room for not doing things “better.” . Say, “There’s nothing I can really say right now to change things or make you feel better, although I wish I could. I want you to know that I am here for you.” (Mean what you say.)
• . Cry with them if it feels natural to you.
• . Send a condolence note with personal comments about the animal and how he or she will be missed.
• . Send flowers and/ or make a follow-up phone call, i.e. “I’ve been thinking of you and I’m wondering how you are doing?”
• . Send a donation in the deceased animal’s name to an organization that benefits animals.

Don’t say…

• . I know how you feel.
• . He/she isn’t suffering any more.
• . Everything happens for a reason.
• . He/she is in a better place.
• . All clouds have a silver lining.
• . It’s a blessing.
• . You were lucky to have him/her this long.
• . Think of all your precious memories.
• . Only the good die young.
• . You think you’ve got it bad…
• . Life goes on.
• . It’s been two months (or however long); you shouldn’t still be so sad.
• . If I were you, I would have done it (or would do it) this way.
• . Why did you do that?
• . Time will heal.
• . Faith teaches us to be strong.
• . Think of only the good times.
• . When my animal died…
• . It’s probably for the best.
• . All Seal Point Siamese look the same. Just get another one…

Most of us have said some of these “don’t say” comments at one point or another. In fact, some of these comments have a lot of truth to them. Life does go on. Time often does heal, or at least lessen, enormous heartache. The ending of suffering is good. The thing to keep in mind is that when a person is experiencing an acute sense of loss, logic is not comforting. With acute grief, simply acknowledging the sadness and overwhelming sense of loss is appropriate and is more helpful.

Don’t ever say, “You know, you can always get another animal. As a matter of fact, I know of one who needs a home right now.” This comment does not acknowledge the unique relationship the person has lost. People need to grieve and be validated for the feelings they are having about this specific loss. It is impossible to recreate lost relationships with another being who is, in itself, unique (even if the same breed). The length of time, and way a person needs to mourn varies with each individual.

Telling a person that she/he can simply replace a relationship by getting a new dog/cat/iguana/parakeet/horse, etc. is similar to telling a person who has lost a child that she/he can always have another one.